HELLO Y'ALL.
IT'S MY HAPPY DAY TODAY(:

first of all, i'd like to say that hongbin's the coolest coolest person i've ever known.
he's like so multitalented that i just stare on in wonder.
(: go you!

made like jars and jars of pineapple tarts today!
and went out for a hawker dinner. which was fan-fking-tastic!
i've never eaten such glorious fish noodle soup before.
it was like God-sent.
:D
ate like two bowls of noodles and half a HUGE bowl of rice.
i was on a crazzzzzy bingeing session.

then we all went shopping.
shaun was being such a brat. and mum later secretly complained to me that he ridiculously bought two pairs of bowers.
which were like dont-know-how-much,
and it was so gay looking.
i swear, my mum can be the most hilarious person ever.

shaun couldn't wipe that smirk off his face when he got his espirit pants and i went home with nothing.
arggggh.
dad was like volunteering to buy stuff for my ultra-belated present, but i declined cause seriously,
it wasn't worth it(;

mum actually bought donuts today!
:O
and dad pointed out this gay couple that only we saw.
they were holding hands, lounging on the cafe couch,
and staring into each other's eyes.
my lord.
and dad told me about another pair he saw earlier.
one very hot and macho angmoh guy with another angmoh who's bald.
but the baldie was said to have two very short stubs of hair and tied two ponytails with RIBBONS.
dad was traumatised.
and shaun was like: where where where?
HAHA(:

mum was defending gays on the way home.
and i was defending homos. haha.
"they're very sensitive and understanding people."
(:

today was the ultimate family day.
mum and dad bickered like crazy, but i still love my family days.
mum likes to scream in the car when she thinks we're gonna crash,
which never happens but she always shrieks, and dad gets pissed off.
it's soooooooooo funny how adults are.

dad told us about his army days and all the weird officers.
and how thai soldiers love strippers.
and ate fried spiders and stuff.

mum was in the fashion industry and i never knew,
and i was told today, for the very first time,
that shaun stood up for me before.
mum said he beat up ryan cause ryan took away my balloon and made me cry.
oh my, that must've been like ten years ago!
:D
shaun was calling himself a hero for something he couldn't even remember,
and i reminded him that he would probably do that cause he thinks he's the only one who can bully me.
ryan must've been puny back then. and shaun was probably a giant.
a David-vs-Goliath? haha.

ines is the blurest kid that ever existed, apart from me,
and she laughs at things no one else finds funny.
she also throws in the randomest and totally uncalled for details.
shaun: no, carl's junior costs like ten bucks.
ines: and subway's healthier too!
??????

if you can sense my joy,
you'll probably guess that i'm over it.
yes, i am(: i miss him, but i suppose i'll do well without him.
there. i'm goooooooooood(: admit it.

forgive my momentary weakness,
and pardon my inability of sense when i see you coming towards me.
the basket-full of butterflies you gave me while you smiled at me still resides in my tummy.
every thought of you brings me joy-
those harsh words you said constantly remind me of my loss.

so forget me if you will, and continue looking right past me.
i'll remember you the way you looked when you told me you were happy.
and never when you told me you loved me.
i'll remember your twinkling, small-eyed smile.
i'll forget you.

pardon me.
the prize is waiting to be claimed.

whooooohoooooo.
thank god it's friday.
it's been my craziest week ever, and i'm glad it's the weekends.

just to note,
couples should take into considerationg that PDA seriously affects the brokenhearted.
spare a thought for me before you startcuddling in public please.
but then again, i'll be a hypocrite cause i'm guilty as charged too.
forget it.

started off really happy and high this morning cause it's friday(:

got kinda shocked when td msged me all of a sudden that my hair was really short.
and i was on the bus so i frantically started looking around.
then i found out that he was around the bus stop and saw me.
it was really embarrassing cause i walked outta the house without my wallet this morning,
and ended up running back only when i saw my bus coming.
oops(:

PE was really fun, although i think i got slightly tanner.
agaisnt my will! - i wanna lose my tan totally.
stayed during recess to play a bit more netball(:
i don't like the trolley. it vibrates too much for my liking:D and aisyah was like getting high and running while pulling the trolley.
oh my.

i'm sure everyone will agree with me when i say that mdm goh has really awesome fashion sense.
:D

amanda, dionne and sylvia got SO engrossed in my cleo mag, cause it was like the guy section and all.
i scared zing off when i told her (from the mag) that the longest erect penis is 13inches long.
which is one inch more than a long ruler.
she was like holding the ruler but then threw it on amanda's table suddenly.
and the best part, i started waving the ruler around and she ran off squeaking:D
HAHAHAHA. she's damn funny.
and then the group of them were like: eww eww eww
at every random thing about guys.

they're so innocent that i feel like a um,
giggolo.

wait wait,
i'll never be a giggolo. rest assured(:
it's so wrong. O_O

had nothing to do, and no one to go out with today,
so i ended up going home. the rain had temporarily stopped, and i thought i was really lucky(:

then again, the scenario repeated.
i saw my bus coming,
i reached into my bag for my wallet,
started digging in my bag,
cursed when i realised i left it under my table in class.
got really pissed and walked back to class.
and i thought it was a joke when a sudden downpour came.

but on the way, i saw tessa(: she was just leaving for training.
and she somehow managed to get an umbrella from someone.
she ended up walking with me to the bus stop since she was heading there too.
we got quite wet though. and she kinda forced me to take the umbrella with me home.
she naturally makes me happy.
it felt good(: for about ten minutes or so.

and then on the way back, i started thinking.
i wonder how long i'll take to get over it.
hongbin said that it was all up to me. and that i'll laugh at myself years later.
but i don't think i can take much more of it.
i don't wanna think about all the happy moments.
it's torturing. and i'm still very sore.
i really, really want to forget.
you'll never hear anyone else saying that;
they're all like: oh. i'll cherish our time. oh, i'll like to remember it that way.

i think thats bullshit.
or maybe i've just got too big a serving of pain.
when i fall, i fall really really hard.
there. that's finally something i'm good at.

it makes me tremble
when i realise that you're not even affected.
and you're probably having fun out there.
i wonder how people get over things so easily.
maybe i'm old-fashioned cause i treat relationships really seriously.
and perhaps the people of our day don't.

you have no idea how much you're killing me.

i'm letting the negative energy flow out.
and i'm opening my heart to some wholesome advice.
i've heard that time heals all.
i'll wait till then.

i'm on this sudden craze for blogging this week.
aren't you all proud of me? :D

maybe it's because for once, i've got something of substance to blog about.
not that it's good news.

but from now on the news won't be that bad,
cause you know what,
i'm getting over it.
and i'm actually moving on.

before i rant on about the details,
let me start thanking.
-alisha has been the greatest girl (ignore the horniness) in my world.
-hong bin has given me the most sensible and valuable advice,
and it has thus allowed me to 'see the light', and perhaps the truth.
-amanda, abigail, daphne and whoever else in class who unconciously lifted my spirits.
-EVERYONE. cause i'm feeling a weird, undescribable melancholy.
but i suppose the sad parts are drifting away.

i daresay i have the strength and courage to walk away.
because you know,
you're not the one for me.
feels funny to admit it. i feel a little shameless to let it out,
but it's everything everyone's been telling me, and slowly, i've been giving in.
i don't need a quitter.
i want a lasting, honest relationship.
someone not sugary, someone with substance, and someone whose companionship never leaves me disappointed.
there.
that's my goal.

anyway(:
i know none of the 4/1 girls are gonna read this tonight,
cause everyone's studying for the enormous bio test tmr.
chapters 5 to 9.
yeah. mind you, i just started this afternoon. and i hope to pass.
heh(:

went looking for my dear alisha after school,
to buy straws and etc for valentine's day presents.
didn't find straws so she bought something else instead.
i learnt that xinci has a bad sense of direction,
and that alisha is a sarcastic prat(:
followed her home and crammed over there till 8.

in a moment of excitement, she actually ripped the top button off my shirt.
i was like, jaw dropped.
O:
it was like: noelle if you touch me again, i'm gonna rape you.
and i laid a hand on her back and she pounced.
oooops. i should've took it a little more seriously! a mini wrestling match which had me totally victimised and kicking and yelling,
until alisha heard something give way and stopped.
my button. ):

fine, since i had the guts to expose her evil plans,
i admit that the victor of the day is ALISHA THIEN!
i suppose that'll satisfy her ego(:

thanks honey.
for spending a whole afternoon with me.
it was great. cause you loved me when no one else did(:
i promise you my hand in marriage (duh im joking) and my eternal friendship.
although i know you'll trade it any day for a fair maiden's hand(:
awww man, i'm in such a bullshit-ing mood today.

you left me here beside myself,

to show me all the reasons i was wrong for you.

i'll make an attempt to not sound as desperate.
i won't try too hard either, cause whatever comes out is you know,
from the heart.
the bunch of muscular tissues located in the center of our torso.

school was terrible. i know you're sick of hearing this but it WAS.
i THINK i fell sick this morning. cause from what i heard, i went pale.
i walked like a zombie. and i could barely feel my limbs.
and from what i know, i was too close to puking. the sickening feeling went on for the rest of the day till bout lunch.
i told amanda that it'll be really gross if anything came out cause i ate nutella on bread in the morning.
brown = shitlike.
you know.

i'm trying hard to lose myself in the classics,
books- that is.
i've become a bookworm.
classics have this surreal feel to them. the romance is so overpowering although given in tiny tiny dosages and expressed in the simplest of words.
"joy".
and then tragedy strikes, more often than not, and i find myself in tears of pity/whatever else for the characters.
but it hasn't been so. and i attribute that to the mountain load of emotions i carry right now.
forgive my insensitivity, my aloofness and my coldness;
i assure you i'm not doing it on purpose.

i've missed out on two-thirds of the lessons today just by reading the book.
impressive.

you didn't even give me a chance.

dance was really weird without any working power points for the radio,
and i resorted to counting aloud, REALLY loudly. i've kinda lost my voice now.
i made everyone stretch. i'm sure i'm pretty unliked by the juniors now.
and i'm sure they'll all by aching tmr.
"noelle made us split for so long luh, that *****."
oops. corner-to-corner was fun, and if not for the tiresome slackers, i think we would've made a little more progress.
then we had group choreography, and i embarrassed myself greatly by forgetting the steps.
to my surprise, not that i don't like it, a certain group did this really idk belly dance.
and i just stared on in wonder. and amusement perhaps.
dance club has NEVER done that. i mean hiphop's a given, and that means lots of krumping and shaking and all,
but belly dancing? NO.
wow.

i don't think i can, either wayO_O
...

there are seriously so many song lyrics that i wanna post up now but i know no one reads blogs for song lyrics right.
i'm trying to be considerate here(:

nothing's been going right.
and every single time i reach home, it all crashes down and on me and i break.
it's kinda natural cause when you walk home, you don't marvel at the great houses nor sing to the birds,
it's obvious that since you have pretty much nothing else to do,
you think.
and when you reach home, you finish your thinking cause you're so tired and you just dump everything away.
natural, see.
i can't focus.
i'm haunted by memories. and by perhaps, my conscience screaming out my every fault, my greed, and perhaps telling me that he'll be better off without you anyway.

i feel lonely now.
seeing couples PDA-ing on the mrt/bus irks me now more than ever, running to fetch my phone every few minutes- hoping i get a msg or a missed call, and even now,
sitting here waiting for someone to talk to me,
waiting for a "hi", "are you alright?" or maybe even a "you're hopeless Noelle".
yes i know, i'm not in denial.

i don't wanna be clingy.
it'll just be a nuisance, right? and i don't suppose it'll work either. i'll soon come to face it that plainly, i don't deserve anyone.

i'm gonna start talking to the computer screen soon. i'm driving myself insane.
i'll get better once i wake up. i know i will.
i've always been laughing at hopeless girls crying over/yearning for/sacrificing everything for/clinging onto heartless guys,
now i'm just cruelly laughing at myself.

i must be the biggest loser.

the econs CA was seriously bullshit. and mdm goh was really picking on me today, no idea why.
shaun would use the term "getting her panties in a bunch",
but i think the thought of her underwear's pretty scary.
and sadly, there's tuition later. i'm not in the mood.

SO, anyway,
what a perfectly terrible way to start my week.
ironic that a little sms does so much.
thanks hun for letting me call you early in the morning to sob and be a baby,
and threatening to go really crazy.
you know me best.
(:

i don't think i'm fit enough to say thank you,
but i'm so tired i can't even utter a single vulgarity in your face.
not that you deserve it, but i really do need to vent.
it was so cruel of you,
so selfish and so cold.
did you know that?

it makes me ache.

for the sake of friendship,
i let you go.
i don't think i have the courage to see you and not burst out crying, or to tell myself to stay put when i want is to run far far away.

obviously no one cares but i need to vent. so shut up and read on like you've been doing.

friendship is such a hurtful term.
"let's be friends" is probably the worst you could say,
i think even "i don't wanna see your face" is better.

and i can't help it that i'm totally emotional now.
i'm trying to stop, trying to control, but it only gets worse.
i don't like picking myself up and piecing it all together.
i really really really don't.

if you can't commit,
don't even give false hope.
and if you can't love,
don't even try it with me.
i'm not something you can play with,
and i don't think it's very funny if you make me a love-crazed fool and then break whatever's there.

i'm so sick and tired of getting fcked around with.
i'm sick of all the excuses, all the lies, all the fake smiles and worst of all,
all of your promises.
'i'll make this last'
'i won't hurt you'
'i'll do anything for you'
'you're the best'
and the most effective,
'i love you.'

i hate guys.
i really really do.
not individually but as a whole, if that makes sense.

i just want you back.

i'm resigning.
from my "i'm against destiny" bullshit.
resigning to run and weep in a dark corner, and get rid of the tear-stained face afterwards.
i'm no longer someone special, someone small but impactful,

i'm just an ordinary schoolgirl.
just another fool who sacrificed her feelings to get nothing,
and still blindly hoping.
i'm never good enough, truth to be told. always told otherwise, but i've always known it was just to appear nice. i know.
there's nothing left in the bombshell.
i'm just fake smiles, fake cheeriness and a big, black empty hole.

it's the last time you have to read this, i promise.
i'll be better in a few days. when i walk off from reality.
and escape.

did you know?

you're so special,

i wish i was special too.

i feel so *&^%(*&$%#@!.

went to nick and cheryl's holy matrimony today.
met joel and joel's girlfriend. and they're both like seriously cute.
went about 3 hours earlier to help out with the decor and all.
turned out really, really pretty(:
loads of red, white and pink roses, loads of white and red cloth, loads and loads of petals everywhere.
it was so romantic(:

met everyone together today, the tall guys, the macho guys, jeremy, asmine, wan rong and a few people i've never seen before, but it went well.
seems like everyone knows everyone else.
the reception was good. my omg favourite caesar salad, the roast beef, chicken, crepe, and loads of pastries.
i was like starving so i took two servings(:
which meant LOTS of salad. yummmmmmmmm.

no ice-cream though):
ended at bout 6 after we finished clearing up the place. the cleaners were nice and said they would vacuum the place so we didn't have to pick up the tiny bits and pieces.

squeezed like hell in yihuai's car.
and i was told to sit on someone's lap?!? yeah. my head would've busted through the ceiling anyway. if his laps didn't get flattened. yeah.

okay. it was supposedly fun but i admit i didn't have a ball of a time.
i mean i want someone who gives me a sense of security, warmth, and TLC.
i like to be complimented (um. i mean i wore a DRESS for the occasion. and i put in effort. which is rare!), i like to be hugged and you know, be open.
*not like PDA either, that's not very nice. sucking face and being touchy in front of everyone is not a very cool thing.*
i like guys with like a decent load of confidence (please note that's it's not cockiness).
i admit i'm more physical than wordy. xD
and like what mum said, i like to be courted.
not courting.

i don't mind taking the initiative but sometimes,
i like handing the control over to someone else and just relax, you know?
i have my limits. and my tolerance. and above all, my damned dignity.
i don't wanna be like, desperate. and clingy. it's a serious turn-off.

alisha told me those kinda guys don't exist anymore.
i'd like to believe they do(: die-hard romantic, yes.

i know my expectations are high, and i'm happy really, i just wanna be wowed over.
and then i'll be really happy.

please don't pretend to be everything i wanted, and climb out of the sheep's clothing to let me see that you're a fake bastard.
yeah huh. some people know exactly who i'm talking about.

goodnight everyone,
sorry for the totally uncalled for bitching and ranting,
and let's pass the econs CA tmr(:

song for the moment: More Than Words.
it's totally, exactly whatever's going on in my head.