i must be the biggest loser.

the econs CA was seriously bullshit. and mdm goh was really picking on me today, no idea why.
shaun would use the term "getting her panties in a bunch",
but i think the thought of her underwear's pretty scary.
and sadly, there's tuition later. i'm not in the mood.

SO, anyway,
what a perfectly terrible way to start my week.
ironic that a little sms does so much.
thanks hun for letting me call you early in the morning to sob and be a baby,
and threatening to go really crazy.
you know me best.
(:

i don't think i'm fit enough to say thank you,
but i'm so tired i can't even utter a single vulgarity in your face.
not that you deserve it, but i really do need to vent.
it was so cruel of you,
so selfish and so cold.
did you know that?

it makes me ache.

for the sake of friendship,
i let you go.
i don't think i have the courage to see you and not burst out crying, or to tell myself to stay put when i want is to run far far away.

obviously no one cares but i need to vent. so shut up and read on like you've been doing.

friendship is such a hurtful term.
"let's be friends" is probably the worst you could say,
i think even "i don't wanna see your face" is better.

and i can't help it that i'm totally emotional now.
i'm trying to stop, trying to control, but it only gets worse.
i don't like picking myself up and piecing it all together.
i really really really don't.

if you can't commit,
don't even give false hope.
and if you can't love,
don't even try it with me.
i'm not something you can play with,
and i don't think it's very funny if you make me a love-crazed fool and then break whatever's there.

i'm so sick and tired of getting fcked around with.
i'm sick of all the excuses, all the lies, all the fake smiles and worst of all,
all of your promises.
'i'll make this last'
'i won't hurt you'
'i'll do anything for you'
'you're the best'
and the most effective,
'i love you.'

i hate guys.
i really really do.
not individually but as a whole, if that makes sense.

i just want you back.

i'm resigning.
from my "i'm against destiny" bullshit.
resigning to run and weep in a dark corner, and get rid of the tear-stained face afterwards.
i'm no longer someone special, someone small but impactful,

i'm just an ordinary schoolgirl.
just another fool who sacrificed her feelings to get nothing,
and still blindly hoping.
i'm never good enough, truth to be told. always told otherwise, but i've always known it was just to appear nice. i know.
there's nothing left in the bombshell.
i'm just fake smiles, fake cheeriness and a big, black empty hole.

it's the last time you have to read this, i promise.
i'll be better in a few days. when i walk off from reality.
and escape.

did you know?

you're so special,

i wish i was special too.