okay, im going to be honest. i really hate being disappointed, so much so that sometimes that disappointment leads to anger, and to hate.. but in todays case, its just stopped at anger and went back down to the basic disappointment. and of course along with it comes sadness, and a little bit of pain. (i dont mean physical pain)

im not saying aloud the reason for my disappointment, although it may be quite easy to guess.. because,
1. i dont have the right to blow up over this.
2. it is really quite stupid of me.
3. i dont want to be petty and childish, and get all the girls' pity and cry and well, do stupid girlish stuff.

the worse disappointment, i feel, is when you set expectations so high for yourself and others, and when we cant meet that expectation, it just sucks. but of course, it would be the person who expected so much's fault, and not the other parties. but if youre angry at yourself, then its totally another matter, and its sometimes not so bad, since you have your friends to comfort you and go do happier things than be angry at yourself. but, in that case, i would lock myself up and not let anyone talk to me until ive had my fill of disappointment and ive decided to not let the disappointment repeat itself.

yes, i know everything up there may sound confusing, but thats what's running through my head, and i have to get it down here, and you now have a glimsp of how complicated and many-layered my thinking is.

another thing im afraid of, is that ive been talking to myself for too long. when i blog, i feel that im talking to myself. i dont know why i get that feeling (actually i do), and i think it scares me (but then again, so many things scare me). is my blog a desperate cry for attention, a measure for me to prevent myself from going insane, a forum for talk (definately not), or a place to bitch about stuff and bring people down, or just another thing for fun?

i think the world is ill-treating me. i think i sound like a spoilt princess. i think my life is difficult, but im complicating things further. i think that relationships and friendships may also be curses in disguise. i think i dont belong here. i think that i should have just stuck with my decisions, and not give in. i think i can no longer trust others, because of all the paranoia running around in my head. i think humans are disgusting. i think i would rather not be one. i think im talking crap.

so noelle shall be hard-hearted today, because she feels like doing so. no, its actually because she doesnt want emotions running through her body. she shall be super insensitive and numb.


all this is because of disappointment, so are you actually worth getting disappointed over?