its three pm TUESDAY.
need i explain?
not really.

decided against going to the beach today..
for some specific reason.

told rachel seah that i was going to put on a long face today.
she asked why and said some people wouldnt like it.
how it hit me like a nail on my head.
talk about extra sensitive.

nothing interesting to blog about..
feeling horrible.
different reasons.
one of which- ive been having headaches on and off since english ca.
i just recovered from a minor one.
so im feeling numb and my head's very heavy.

had mass dancing for PE today.
i put on a smile just to make people around me feel better.
i wasnt in the mood to smile at all.
but i just played along..
MDM LEE approached me after that..
she was watching me the whole time.
i thought i had broken some school rule..
and i have broken alot recently-
ive been wearing brightly colour underwear to school under my PE shirt.
and thats an offence.
but its not stated openly.

there was this time last year mrs kong talked to me about it.
but i dont think it changed my mindset anyway.

mdm lee asked if i had ballet training.
was it obvious?
she said it was my style of dancing.
cause i was kinda relaxing and letting everything go and just dancing.
and she said she liked and enjoyed watching me.
ahha. its just PE you know.

even if it IS some lame dance called the CHACHA.
and its not even fast. its terribly SLOW.
it should be way faster.
and the moves were too boring. way too boring.

and then she asked a few questions..

and i stuck on a fake smile but NONETHELESS a smile.
all the way back to the classroom.
after that i peeled it off.

and stuck on another one during recess.
peeled it off in the toilet while changing into my blouse.
fake smiles work just as good as real smiles anyway.
and theyre disposable.
unlike sometimes im really happy (...) and i have a REAL stupid smile all over my face.

surprisingly woke up with no puffy eyes.
cause i cried even worse than when i cried over my mum.
yes. im a spoiled teenager who cant handle her easy life and continually finds fault at herself.

and im not going to be in a good mood anytime soon.
not until i get a certain someone happy again.
and swearing that i'll never ever be so insensitive and hurting that certain person again.
it really sucks now.
im REGRETTING. i rarely regret anything.

to me-
i never felt that i really meant anything to anyone.
but somehow i ended up as the most important person in someone's life.
and i hurt that someone really badly.
*ive gone through it, so i know how it feels.
and esp since some people who SOMETIMES hurt me are even more important to me than my family.
and i just did that to someone else.
talk about extra INsensitive.