i feel super pathetic now.
i cant believe i can fall sick so easily. once ive convinced my mum that im 'well' (ive always been) im so gonna train. train and grow stronger. so the evil bacteria has no chance against ME.
yes, i will not fall prey to the common FLU, INFLUENZA.

last night i stayed up late sewing for my home econs. i really thought i was going to drag myself to school. but my mum saw me in my state at 3am, and told me to go see a doctor and stay at home.

for once i want to go to school, but i cant.

i spent some time in the shower telling myself to prepare for the long night of sewing. i could taste the salty hot tears. but i was like talking to myself, you know: NOELLE, you MUST perservere. like one part of me was crying, and the other part was comforting and telling me to PUSH ON. so after a while, i just sat down and started. O_o

i did want to go to school and hand the bloody thing up. but my mum didnt allow me to. argh.
she feels that im too tired for anything. which is true, but how can you NOT do things if youre tired? thats shirking responsibility. just like when youre dancing, your body's failing, your legs are giving away and you cant hold your hands there, but you HAVE to continue. its a dancer's spirit. its the DILIGENCE and DETERMINATION and DISCIPLINE. yes. rock on dancers.

so off i went to GEYLANG POLYCLINIC. didnt want to waste my parents money on private clinics. so yes. erm. waited since 8? yeah. just sat there and stared into space. the queue was BREATH-TAKING (in the bad way. LOL.) i couldj ust die there. someTHING kept me alive. SOMETHING. its unedible, but yet unforgetable. go guess.

the people there were really sick. saw loads of BABIES with worried-sick parents. and i saw loads of young boys (no more than 5 years old) with ear piercings. O_o the work of their MUMS. there was this little girl singing 'BEEP- the pussycat dolls' while playing with her hands. modern girl. the lyrics were all correct. impressive. LOL.

the doctor was really pretty. urban, fashionable DOCTOR. even in her coat she looked great. im sure shes one of the most chased doctors in singapore. well, my consultation itself was less than five minutes.

...

i went down to pay. cheap. $6.80 for once i didnt waste my parents money. then took a bus home. in my un-sober state i banged into quite a few of those bus handles suspended in the air. and i fell while walking on the overhead-bridge. how expected.

now im rather drunk, abit happy but sad, and dizzy. my head weighs a ton.

both my parents just called me to make sure i was safe at home. and to find out what the doctor said. lol.

oh. i made one BIG mistake. its not ALICIA, its ALISHA. my kind-hearted fellow LESBO. hah. she was keeping me company last night till my mum came to fetch me. and she was actually WORRYING cause i was sick. once again, i could only confirm that i love ms lees girls, they were worrying for me.

rehearsal ended at a record time: 10:15PM. how cool is that.. nearly died.. ms lee was firing off instructions, who stands here and there, and she kept changing the ending of the CHARLIE piece. and me, being half-alive, took all the wrong instructions and got myself lightly chided by ms lee a few times.

and before ms lee's rehearsal, we had MR LITAO'S REHEARSAL. he's a great rainbow guy. he was telling us stories. and we found out that hes only FIFTY SIX KG. holy shit. the things he said were rather inspiring, but at the same time discouraging.. for i know that ill never make it as a professional dancer because of my body physique.. as in, seriously. i would never make it to a famous dance company or troupe. i wouldnt even be able to enter SDT. mush less ABT or the Russian Ballet. and definately not RAD. big dreams, but being born with such a body just rips the dreams up.

life is unfair. and a little cruel. i can only pick another career path.

okay. to make it less confusing, or maybe to confuse you further, these are the PHYSICAL criteria for joining a real professional troupe or just simply old SDT.
1. stretch your arms to the side, measure from one end to the other. that length must be more than your height. (mine are exactly the same length.)
2. you have to have straight legs, no hyper-extended legs, no bow-legs, and whatever else. (my legs are a LITTLE bowlegged, a little hyper extended and i thiknk my right leg is bigger than my left.)
3. you have to have a long neck. (i have a long neck :))
4. very common: tall and really skinny. (GROW TALLER NOELLE! i can always lose weight but i cant grow much taller..)
5. pretty arch. (we're talking about feet here. especially EN POINTE. and my arch is HORRENDOUS.)
and alot more. >.<

having the passion isnt enough.
those books which say chase your passion and whatever.. and eventually you'll get THERE? its all crap to me. it really is.

im going to face the horrible medicine after lunch. horrible medicine. i really hate medicine. which is why i only visit the doctor when im really sick, or when people force me to.

mum was telling me to take more breaks. she was really willing to write loads of excuse letters from whatever practices or school that i could be excused from, so that i could come hoem and take a break. but i cant.. not now. i have my AUGUST PERFORMANCE. and we're doing anotehr school performance. and after that i have my ballet exam. and after that its nearly final year exams.

even my saturday mornings are taken up. my weekends are fully booked.

and almost every night i have to stay up late studying or doign some other thing.

because i dont want to disappoint anyone by giving up and slacking.

i really have to thank my family for their support. maybe its my busy-ness that scares them and really changes their image of me.

maybe one day theyll view me as a young independant woman. which i WILL be. ONE fine DAY.

okay. shall go catch some rest before lunch.
CIAO.