facing the computer screen rather hesitantly, i take in a deep breath as to think of what to type.
basically, all the things are flying around in my head, the problem is: should i say it? if so, how should i say it?

i know some people look to this post in hope that noelle is still indeed sane, and some read on in dread. if you ask me why, i'm not really sure myself.

it's been a rather long time since i was in this mood. call me EMO. yes. but having reached home extremely early today, i just started to wonder: Oh my goodness Noelle, what the hell is going on. What have you done to your life? What the hell are you doing?

And i reply the voice in my head: i dont know. i'm currently living and heeding this other weird voice in my head that keeps telling me to just do things without thinking. which is basically a summary of what i've been doing: nothing. nothing productive, or useful, or.. yes, WHATEVER. this word comes in very importantly when i lack the power or strength to continue describing or giving examples. and there's another good word, a personal favourite, and i know ashley likes it too: "THINGY".

that's off point.

slowly on the bus home, i planned my next STEPS. i've been spending too much time sitting on the fence and causing misunderstandings. i am my own fate. yes. i am in this because of my lack of thinking skills. i am (summarised) rather stupid.. hold on, cancel out the 'rather'.

actually, acting stupid is more apt. like now, how extremely irritating i'm being by beating around the gigantic bush.

i know i've been worrying my loved ONES (many people in this case)
and so, i shall put an end to my own misery. maybe.

ah, there's my friendster horoscope. i don't believe in them, but this is just for the fun of it:
"The Bottom Line
If you feel stuck in the middle of an argument, try to extricate yourself ASAP.

In Detail
Your ability to be objective is something that the people in your life value -- often, they count on you to act as the voice of clarity in confusing or volatile situations. But today, when a feuding pair wants you to jump in and judge a situation, it's in your best interest to avoid being in the middle. There are too many emotions floating around, and no matter how wonderful your diplomatic skills are, sometimes there's no getting past a trap."

erm. i don't like today's horoscope. let's move on.

apart from being stupid, i think i've been neglecting my family. that's why i'm trying to desperately make conversation all the time. but yes, the fact is there. sigh. and, my family is ONE OF THE reasons before i make any important decision.

and also, before i make any decisions, i ask myself: How would so-and-so react? Would they do things this way? Would they approve of it?

and that's why i am selfish yet my life revolves aroudn other people. NOTE: noelle talks utter rubbish. she is very confusing and self-contradictory.

i choose to be responsible.
i choose to be independant.
i choose to not hurt anyone else.
i choose not to worry others.
i choose NOT not to regret, but to make those i love happy.
i choose to be selfish, by ripping others of their chance at happiness
(which obviously won't work out because of me. so in other words: i choose to let them free.)
i choose to.. be sensible?

the problem with me is: i let emotions rule my life. 1.emotions. 2.other people. 3.instinct. 4.conscience. 5.common sense.
i know it's all rather messed up and wrong, but that's so ME, so yes.

am i happy living this way?
one of the hardest questions of my life. one question that i ask myself very often nowadays.
my answer: no..
BUT BUT, (noelle always uses BUT) i am truly thankful for that one moment of happiness. although happiness is rather hard to come across, i do not regret, because IT'S WORTH IT. totally.

how to make noelle happy?
she can be easily entertained unless she threw herself into the depths of unhappiness (which is less often now, in fact, its RARE. so yes.) but she can make herself happy by doing certain weird things.. and it really works.

for example:

staring at someone/thing/where.

playing with her own hair.

sitting down and swinging her legs.

drinking/eating nice stuff.

adding the presense of more orange.

adjusting her hair.

looking in her drawers.

and many more.

BUT, this is AUTOMATIC, when noelle wants to do it she does it, and it CAN make her happy.

weird isn't it?

it's like i'm talking to myself, although i know many people actually read this. hah.

but i have to apologise in advance, to anyone who i have offended/will offend because of my actions. i know it's rather irresponsible but that's my way of being responsible. contradictory but yes.

alright. it's been ONE MONTH since the thai people left. ONE MONTH.

i remember with fondness a short speech that was made.. by a thailand student, with a touch of shyness and a little smile: "i have a little secret. i will now tell it to everyone here. (looks around meekly, smiling even harder, adds in a whisper into the microphone) 'i love singapore'."

i do believe i cheered that student on by screaming my head off and clapping wildly. although many were probably talking among themselves and missing the speech.. arses.

i now look at the photo of Mint that i was left with. her smile makes me smile. how gay. but it's true.

one long month.

and i also have a thing to announce: i love ms lee's girls. they're great people.

they're the ones (not the only ones though) who made rehearsals less dull. and to think that i was rather intimidated by them not a very long time ago. hah. bloody wickedly fun girls. i owe of one them, CHERYL, my school badge, and i owe ALICIA my school BLOUSE. i can't believe anyone would praise my school BLOUSE.. gosh.

and alicia is one lucky girl. not many people actually get such public display of affection from me. but it a was a business deal.. well, alicia stole my school badge and ran off, and i made a trade to get it back. a kiss for my school badge. argh. ARGH.

it's a great honour to be bestowed with attention from me.

*what a stuck-up and irritating girl*

i ran my 2.4 in school today. after running i just sat down and slacked. my stitch was killing me. KILLING. was rather hard to breathe. but it was no ordinary stitch, and mrs KONG (!Kung Bushman. LOL) said it couldnt be a stitch, since it affected alot of ME. sounds wrong but yes.

after slacking for a while, i got up to realise my stitch was gone, and boy, i went hyper. i started jumping around and dancing and WHATEVER. crazy me. right after my 2.4.. i even asked aisyah to sprint with me form the hall back to class.. and halfway along the road i realised aisyah went missing. she later told me i ran too fast. but that's not possible.. i think i ran fast because i managed to squeeze in between the rather crowded path.

yes. i've just had a MOODSWING. a good one. so YES.

i wanted to stay back and help ms kok take the baby ballet class and watch the OTHER CHERYL, my junior, do her item for DSA (direct sch admission). she's applying to get into my sch dance club. how cool is that.. and i also heard that qutie a few otehr people are trying to DSA their way into my school.

speaking of DSA, i have yet to fill up the forms needed for IP to TJC. (or rather, TA. temasek academy) not that im serious on getting in, im just going with darling gay partner ashley. she's the serious one who actually plans to get in. or so i think.

alright. shall go tie up my loose ends, and FACE REALITY.

the many-layered REALITY.

bye.