im at my aunt's house now. planning to bring her out ice-skating tomorrow.. but that's just a plan. we were thinking of drinking chocolate at esplanade, but i turned the offer down, was feeling abit spoiled.. and i also turned ice-cream down.. banana splits as well.. which i LOVE, adore, like, blablabla.

-sorry, this is going to be quite a long post.. but its not all rubbish, so read if you want to.-

thats the oddest thing i have ever done. i love indulging myself with sinful and fattening and over-luxurious food.. but today is just wrong.

blame it on my mood now, im not happy. and the best part is, I DONT KNOW WHY. there IS reason for my mood, but its not actually enough to spur me into such odd anger. and i usually wont get affected by trival matters such as the present issue. in fact, it happens all the time and i should be used to it already.

yes, blame me for spoiling my own day.

and all the nice happy jap and rock songs i brought along with me in my thumbdrive dont sound nice. they sound a little sadistic. like im NOT happy and im hearing happy songs. grrr. first time my music hasnt been able to cheer me up.

im planning to stay up the whole night and mope. O_O just sit and think. and stone. theres so much in my head now, its abit of an overload. haha.. ive been having too much of these thoughts now.. i dont know if its good or bad, but im really starting to make myself unhappy.

but i'll rather be unhappy than bring unhappiness to others. makes sense? to me it does.. so too bad if it doesnt apply to you. that line has been my motto ever since i really opened my eyes and looked around me, to realise that the world doesnt revolve around me.. ive stopped that thinking a few years ago..

so if i do something unreasonable, refer to the above.

its streaming year.. and at the start of the year i swore upon my pride that i would not bring it to waste. but nothing ive done (or NOT done) has actually proven that i'll get my good results at the end of the year. and i wont get into a class of my choice, and i wont be able to make a 'perfect career'. im slacking so much that it scares me.. but im doing nothing about it.

i can only assure passes, and not As. bloody hell. i know im still young, and streaming is only ONE major exam, but this kind of shit matters alot to me, even though i dont seem the type at all. its not because i want to beat everyone, its a matter of being proud of myself and that SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT that i love so much.. that feeling is just so refreshing and inspirational and well, shiok.

but i havent had that feeling in a long time. not even after i won something, or finished a performance, or anything.. thats why i say my life has lost its kick. *and of course its totally boring and typical, and i hardly get pleasantly surprised..*

maybe one day you'll get to see the world the way i do.

my world is full of choices, and its influenced greatly by the people around me. i hate to bring pain to others, and thats why i am the way i am. i see so much suffering every day that it scares me.. and every single moment of my life im striving to make sure that i do everything i can to protect the ones i love. i dont ever want to see them suffering. and my choices are usually based on what i think will help others.. no matter what it may do to me.

my world is a dying one. it seems pretty hopeless.. as in, i cant do much to help.. because i can only do so much. and thats probably why i dont like myself, because i can hardly help others. and i always end up breaking my own promises.

it may seem strange, but it doesnt usually occur to me that im NOT involved. i usually end up realising that things are the way there are indirectly/directly because of me.

theres alot locked up in my body. my small but complicated self. i simply live for others. but living for others isnt simple, its a many-layered interwined issue. you dont get it do you? im not a naturally positive person, and im not really negative, but its my nature to think too much, so call me PARANOID. which is also in a way NEGATIVE. O_O

after saying all this, i begin to contradict myself. many say im heartless. many say im proud. i am both, my pride matters alot to me.. im heartless? well, its just the way i do things, and many dont see reason behind it.. so i appear cold and hard-hearted.

well. im certainly contradicting myself.. but thats just me, im not that simple. im not just your girl-next-door, im much more than that..