i lost my temper today.
for the first time in about a year.

i'm kinda disgusted with myself cause i trust that i can control my emotions. and keep level-headed and not throw myself on an immature roller-coaster ride screaming hate.
hah. i'm not that good after all.

as you probably know, we have this habit of playing netball every recess.
and it feels great cause it's our thing and everyone has fun ya know?
well. today the badminton people joined us first, before the softballers. and after like 5 minutes of playing alot more came. so they were trying to sort it out, who plays where and whatnot,
for a good ten minutes. it wasn't so bad then, nadiah just got pissed first and told me to get the ball back from them. it was really awkward but i could understand so yeah.
ah, shit. i thought she'll be angry with me but decided not to be a pushover.
(and her friends as well, duh.)

bad mistake. well, if i didn't do it, someone else had to pick the shit right?
aisyah got pissed too, and then soon i got pissed. i guess it was just really annoying that people come in and interrupt and stand there as though it's a market. their market.
didn't want to play positions, fine. want to play 20 people against us 8, fine. but i couldn't stand them coming in and assuming authority you know? show some respect for the dear owner of the ball, of the people who bother to shift the poles, and for the people who allowed everyone to come and share the fun. damn it.

on the last day of the term, where we just wanna have fun. high stress levels. urgh.
so somehow, in the midst of negotiation, we brushed off the 4/2 people even and just started playing our own game. it was terrible, cause every second i could feel their stares, and even though it was a distance away i could hear their bitching.
i must've looked pretty darn pissed. i tried to hold in the vulgar but bits and piece came out.

so at the very last minute (literally), the 4/2 girls joined in for a while. and it was kinda fun actually. they felt bad for pissing us off although there's no reason for that, and i felt badder. for being a total bitch today. maybe someone's face just pissed me off more.
urgh. this is obscenely shallow. i don't wish to be that way.
i'm not like that. i hardly lose it. it was just your misfortune to witness it today.
well, i just hope you understand.
it's not their fault, but neither is it ours. the atmosphere just was way off.

some ties run so thin that something as simple as maybe not returning a smile would break it.
now i see that we're from two different worlds. you with your people, and mine with my obstinate friendships. go ahead and have your fun. i'll learn to keep it to myself soon.
although you already fill mine, i'll never even fit in your world. with the parties, the liveliness, the abundant gaiety. don't you worry, i've found out for myself why you'll never cast a glance this way. is this your greatest flaw? insensitivity. maybe. you're so cruel.

What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here.

well. since the long awaited holidays are here,
my plans are to study. yes. totally boring but i know i must. or risk failing midyears.
i'll probably go to some library and mug there the whole day cause i know i'll get nothing done in my own room. my weekends are dedicated to babysitting ines since everyone's going out.
dad's overseas, mum's working at the PC show, shaun's working too.
i kinda miss working at pc shows(: the weird guys, the skanky models, the nice people who would offer a drink, and most of all, the hype of it all. hate the crowd though.

not just at exhibits, i miss working altogether. the feeling of hard-earned money in your pockets, the feeling of exhilaration when you spend your first dollar on a well earned meal.
or even a simple present to yourself. that's the bestest(:
it's makes life more lively ya know? there's just this purpose, which makes it all work out.
ah, i sense the start of a workaholic. addicted to work and the money, yes.

have yet to finalise anything for next week, two days of tuition which i haven't confirmed,
and oh yes, steamboat at daphne khoo's place. haha. she's so steamboat crazed.
somehow, i just like get-togethers especially outside school. makes me feel that our friendship has more substance than a table tennis ball. and finally, something we plan actually gets done(:

but no matter what, i'll be free to you. and your whims, yes.
i don't break my promises. i keep them to the best of my ability unless i'm not given the chance to. which is the case now but holy, who cares. starbucks is the sex(:

Whatever makes you happy,
Whatever you want.

what shall we do about Dance?
if we can't do anything, let's at least make it memorable. with a really good performance.
just by ourselves, and just for those who want to see something real from us cause it's gonna be a long while till we produce something good again. but somehow, i get the feeling that i'm alone in this. reality calls. he tells me that i'm being unrealistic with my big ideas. and that it can't be done with this situation. because we're so cornered by the school already. i know so.
optimism is a blessing from above. with it, everything seems so much brighter.
i'm envious.

decided not to go watch netball finals today.
simply because i wasn't in the mood. so what if she's playing?
it's not her i care about. that's the truth. and don't doubt me anymore. (:
i've learnt that none of them actually matter. no matter how cool, how charming, how attractive, cause no one can compare.
sick of compliments already? i haven't even told you half of them. you're the bomb.
you're nowhere near perfect, but the fact that you're you makes up for everything.

unrequited love.
why, i never knew it was so miserable.

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye,
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry;