today.. was okay.
for once.
no crappy remarks and all.

went to KFC with
ashely, faith, rachel s, den, aisyah and syaf.
ate the NON SPICY chicken.
otherwise i would die. :P

then bought faith her monthly flower..
most of them were crappy..
then i saw this lovely red rose..
the ONLY nice flower.
but personally i think roses are overrated.
and we found this ugly hole on the outermost petal.
which spoilt it all.

then went back for dance..
which was rather dull-
cause i AM now the old mistress of the cats-
and my parts were mostly acting and miming.
so i got bored halfway and took elli's glove and started throwing the softballs around with kelly and melissa. and cai miao.
didnt dare play with ellai...
she throw so hard. i can imagine what would happen if it hit me.
OH WELL.

does it feel like the holidays..?
it felt ordinary..
in fact- it felt TOO ordinary.
none of the tcher's said anything about it-
but set homework... and no one was yelling abt their holiday plans.

i have dance on mon, wed, and thursday.
cheerleading practice and competition on tues and friday respectively.

i was supposed to go catch THE PINK PANTHER with TD
but seems both of us are not free.
no one else seemed interested..

i realised-
no one has ever been totally honest.
everyone has something to hide.
it may be the way of expressing oneself-
but not many ppl actually show their true colours.
they just make a good first impression.. and then do whatever they want with the person later on.
they might just drop a person for someone new.. backstab.. dig up all the dirt about someone.. its just so fucking screwed up. i personally feel.. that we shouldnt be wasting our time if we really dont want to stay with our current friends. instead of being hypocritical. thats what we're going through now. its kind of awkward for everyone. i dont want to hurt any feelings- but i would rather end friendships than let it ROT. i dont like to see anyone being frustrated- even the people i dont like. its not a happy sight. i dont want to be the passer of snide remarks anymore- i have been, and i am guilty. i think that we should give everyone a chance.. not just stick with our own cliques and groups. for people like me- who has faced being an outcast before- its not a good feeling. i dont want to be the one to bring anyone down.
sum it up:
we are so fickle-minded. we would clear the old to make way for the new and the fabulous.

[tkgs people- i suggest u dont read, cause you wont know half of what's gonig on.]
[the next part is quite boring.. so skip it if u want to.]
i was so immature last year..
i regret all the silly mistakes i made.
taking everyone for granted.
and being so strongheaded about my own view.
i regret losing my cool..
and losing my old friends.
rejecting everyone.. thrashing around..
like nothing mattered but ME..
hurting everyone.. im so sorry.
not everyone.. but alot of people.
the one and only thing i wouldnt give up last year was pride.
pride made me do everything i did.
i wouldnt let myself be stepped on.
for fear of laughing- i rejected all the people who didnt have the looks or the money..
i was so thickheaded.
i see them now.. theyre having so much fun.
without me. back then- i was everything to them.
i realised how much i hurt them.
i had brought myself down.

after all the guilt that built up over the past months..
i couldnt take it anymore..
i cried every night since last week.
and i didnt let it trouble anyone.
i dont think u would even know if u didnt read this.
noelle- the strong noisy girl CRYING. thats pretty impossible.
like that day during D&T i cried about a certain friend in SCHOOL..
rachel seah, shwets and sarah were so freaked out.
and sherlyn too.
and i just thought..
i wanted my old friends to know.
just to make up for everything i did wrong.

[its EVEN MORE BORING.. so just scroll DOWN.]
but i didnt only cry about that..
i am kind of under alot of pressure.
i have my dance, cca and school.
everyone is expecting so much from me.
my tchers.. my parents.
i dont tell anyone in school..
it just sucks to think that they dont give a damn about me.
instead of helping- they just claim how hard their life is compared to mine. dance is so FUN and EASY compared to blabla*. it just makes me feel inferior sometimes.
they underestimate DANCE.
i cant explain it to them.. so sometimes i just shut up completely. im not a strong girl at all..
weiqiang was right- he knew i wouldnt be able to cope.
but because of all the high hopes pasted on me..
i cant give up halfway. even though everyday, every muscle experiences aches.. and cramps at least twice a day. and blisters all over my feet. but to my tchers- its ANYTHING to look good in front of the audience.
i cant take it anymore.
my parents dont know 1/4 of what im going through..
and im keeping it that way.
i dont want to worry them anymore.
theyve worried enough over the past years.
i feel so guilty for leaning on them.
they have their work as well.. and they also have Shaun and Ines..
if they can handle it.. why cant i?
last year.. i would inflict pain on myself if i was under pressure.
thats just outright stupid- and immature.
but now i wont- but i dont have any way to deal with all this.
so that explains the crying- cause im not a crybaby.

[STOP SCROLLING]
oh.
the reason i put this up on my blog..
i dont mind everyone reading it..
but i just thought i couldnt really bear it anymore..
and writing is more time consuming.

but there are people worse off than me-
for them, i will not give up.
i dont know whether everyone will give up on me.
im losing hope in myself.
im just disappointed at my MEASELY achiements.
if i actually have at all.
then again- i cant blame anyone..
cause no one knows me better than i do-
but i dont know myself that well at all.
i guess its just human nature to be self-centered.
to think about only your pain-
and make yourself the only LIVING thing on this earth.

i dont need pity- i need a THING to lean on. i need a SHOULDER to cry on. i need KIND WORDS. not a bunch of freaking insults.